I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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