Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Are we still banned from the library?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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