I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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