Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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