Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
