I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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