Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
