Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
