dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
