i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
