Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize