I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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