Apparently you make a good broom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
