I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
