Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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