i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
