after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
