im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
