She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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