I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
