making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
