Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
