i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
