Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
