I accidentally had phone sex last night
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
