He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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