you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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