I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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