I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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