I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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