fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
