ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
