Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
