Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
