just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
