I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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