Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
