I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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