I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
then he tried to convert me to islam
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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