I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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