remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
