I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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