I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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