Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
