Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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