She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
