The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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