Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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