i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A bitchslap is in order.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize