I wish my penis had an off switch
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
