Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The feeling are messing with the penis
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
