Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
