just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize