so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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