I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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