i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
