Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
