worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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