what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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